When You Say We Can't Leave...

Some people seem to think separation and divorce are always wrong.

I want to ask them: do you realize what you're saying? Are you thinking it through?

Whether it's abuse of any kind, addictions, porn or any other form of cheating, some people still insist that separation and/or divorce is wrong. They will push and push for reconciliation after the fact, too.


Let me try to put it in perspective. They're saying...

• They expect us to have an intimate and sexual relationship with this person, who has abused and betrayed us.

• We don't have the right to be emotionally and/or physically safe in our own home.

• Preserving the "marriage" is more important than our health and safety.

When I hear this kind of sentiment, I know that this person is not a safe person. They're not safe for anyone in a destructive marriage to get advice from.

A high view of marriage INCLUDES divorce.

Why? Because for our vows to mean anything, there must be consequences when they are broken. I mean really, how much of a marriage is it where one repeatedly breaks their vows? Is that really honoring God to allow that to continue to go on? There must be a way of escape for the oppressed and abused. There must be protection from harm, not enabling of sin and abuse. Otherwise, our vows mean nothing. Empty words with no substance that make a mockery of our covenant keeping God.


Now can I go back to that first bullet point? They expect us to stay married and remain in an intimate and sexual relationship with our abuser. It's honestly one of the most triggering ideas for me. I can feel it in my chest, in my pounding heart. It literally makes me feel sick and nauseous. My body knows the danger and reacts to that toxic idea. This is a what abuse and trauma do to the body.

Recognizing the consequences of that idea is important. Sexual abuse and degradation (by maintaining a physical relationship in an unsafe relationship) is a violation against one's own body. It's not intimacy, because that requires vulnerability and emotional safety. It's just lust and it is uniquely harmful and demeaning because it is an act committed against our bodies.

It's horrifying to me that some insist that the victim should have to entrust themselves to the one who violated them and expect the victim to become "one flesh" regularly with the one who has treated them cruelly (and likely continues to do so).

Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and to misuse and abuse the body of one's spouse is to desecrate and profane something sacred. Have you considered that?

To push a victim to stay or to pursue reconciliation is naive and flippant in the face of the betrayal of abuse, addictions, or any form of adultery. In reality, it is further abuse to pressure the victim into a close and intimate relationship when trust has been so completely destroyed by the other's actions. Let me say it again this way: You are adding to the abuse if you side with and enable the abuser.

How dare the church focus on the victim and callously accuse her of unforgiveness and bitterness, rather than acknowledging the destruction of the abuser's actions that led to her choice?

Where the covenant has been broken, IT IS BROKEN. She is free to choose to try again or to divorce, because he broke the covenant.

It's not on her. It's on him and his actions that caused the break.

She is not under obligation or bondage. She is free.

The Dangers of "Stay & Pray"

 

This is a very popular sentiment to those in destructive relationships who have finally reached the point where they believe separation is necessary. Just stay and pray. There's only so much you can do and then you just have to endure and pray for change. "Submit." You must stay in harm's way or you're somehow dishonoring God. Or even better, you're supposed to suffer in this way. It's His will.

 

Um... how about no. That's both dangerous and damaging.

In no particular order, let's flesh this out.

First of all, one cannot save their spouse. No matter how nice or perfect or sweet or loving or selfless or sexy or whatever. If you're telling someone that they can save their spouse by staying and praying, you're selling them a lie. Jesus alone can save their spouse. Jesus alone can change them. We cannot by our effort bring someone else to change. Do not put that burden on anyone, that if they only had enough faith or stayed long enough they could somehow heal their spouse. Examine the logic there. That's a false gospel.

Remember, our hope is in Christ ALONE. We are not guaranteed a miracle. We are not promised a specific outcome, so proceed with boundaries and wisdom. Be safe.

Suffering for the sake of suffering is not spiritual. One can separate and still pray from a distance and give the other time to repent. Proverbs 27:12 says "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty." There's a time to stand and a time to flee, trust the one who is living in it to know when they need to flee and then help them get to safety. Trust them to hear God's voice and direction for themselves in these circumstances. Please.

Next, abuse escalates. The longer one stays, the worse it gets. This should be the most alarming point. Whether it's verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, physical abuse or all of it, over time the escalations get worse and worse. What starts out as only one form of abuse grows to include other forms. It grows in tension, intensity, and frequency. Eventually it can become deadly.

Preserving the appearance of a marriage that is not really a marriage at all is not worth the damage done to the spouse and children. It's not worth the risk to their lives and safety. Instead of being upset by boundaries (like separation), let's be upset by the destructive behavior that makes those boundaries necessary.

Now, let's think on the damage being done. Long term victims of abuse are likely to develop things like PTSD, c-PTSD, anxiety, and depression from their circumstances. They're more likely to develop autoimmune diseases and cancer due to the effects of living in constant fight or flight or freeze. A person suffers, mind, body, and soul in that environment. ALL forms of abuse leave marks, even if they're not visible. It is all serious and it can take years to recover.

And the children, what are they learning? What patterns will they repeat? Will daughters go on to accept abusive treatment as normal? Will sons grow up to be abusers? If we don't want that to happen, we have to think about what we're communicating to them if we insist the abused spouse cannot separate or divorce.

The children are also suffering under the same health effects as the abused spouse. They're living in that same high stress environment, but they understand even less what's going on and it's even harder for their precious little bodies to process it. And the likelihood of an abuser making their children targets, too, is very high.

So many say stay for the children. No! I say leave for the children. They have no choice in this. They're stuck in that toxic environment unless an adult stands up for them and protects them in all of this. They are vulnerable and impressionable and they need to know that what is happening is not okay. They need to see healthy boundaries modeled so they will learn to have healthy boundaries, too. Expecting a spouse to stay without any change is harmful for their children.

Staying is also worse for the abuser's heart and soul. Encouraging/forcing the targeted spouse to stay is enabling the abuser in their sin and allowing them to continue sinning. Jesus does not enable sin. Check yourself if you think He'd have any part in allowing abuse to continue. 

Love, REAL love, meets a person's deepest need. The abuser's deepest need is to be confronted on their sin and feel the consequences of their actions, not to be enabled in it. God teaches the law of sowing and reaping in His word. So let abusers reap the destruction they have sown. Stop shielding them from consequences. Tell the Truth. Report to the authorities. Separate. Divorce. Do whatever is needed. Maybe then they'll hit rock bottom and choose to change. But if not, at least the spouse and any children are safe and no longer being continually harmed.

We are told to guard our hearts in scripture. It is not guarding our hearts to attempt to be one with someone who is destroying us by their continual and repetitive toxic choices. "Stay and pray" is not healthy nor biblical advice for destructive, abusive relationships.

The Road Taken, a Story of Covert Domestic Abuse

Two roads diverged before me… and I chose wrong.

Red flags waved in warning but went unrecognized.

I was nineteen. I didn’t know.

The effect of it was like ingesting slow acting poison each day.

At first, it was hardly noticeable,

But over time the cumulative effects were devastating.

I hadn’t made my vows lightly

And long were the years I fought for them.

But my boundaries were broken.

I determined to be the perfect wife, no matter what he did,

And I tried to bear the impossible weight of his choices as well.

I thought if only I were more loving, more encouraging…

Maybe if I reduced expectations and protested less…

Over time my expectations shrank until they disappeared,

While the burden on me grew and grew.

I poured myself out with no return. No reciprocation.

I lavished mercy and compassion

Through betrayals and neglect.

I tried to stuff down my valid anger and hurt,

Because I had been told, CONVINCED, that was the only real problem.

So I tried to be enough to be loved.

I cried. I begged. I prayed and fasted.

I read self-improvement books.

I went to counseling, alone.

I did ALL THE THINGS, because all the books promised,

That I alone could save us, if only I was enough…

I was barely treading water, drowning from exhaustion,

While my head was being pushed under the water.

I was dying inside.

I screamed it. I cried it. I whispered it.

I tried to find the most perfect words,

And the most perfect way, to finally get my point across to no avail.

I tried for years.

And divorce wasn’t an option. It wasn’t allowed.

All I could do was my best, hope he’d change, and endure.

Meanwhile, he enjoyed all the benefits of a good, loving wife.

Because I continued to do my part as he sowed destruction and fueled strife.

And I hardly breathed a word of it to others,

Because you shouldn’t speak ill of your spouse!

I wanted to be respectful,

So I suffered in silence.

I protected him. I bore it mostly alone.

Reaching out for help usually didn’t help anyway.

All I heard was all the ways I needed to try harder and be grateful,

When I was already doing it all anyway.

I didn’t have words to truly describe the patterns I was dealing with.

I didn’t understand the toxic dynamics I was caught in.

I would try to describe a few raindrops at a time,

But no one understood the scope of the whole monsoon.

There were times it was so bad

That I told Jesus He could take me home

Because I couldn’t live the rest of my life this way…

I cried at church.

I cried in prayer groups.

I cried at work.

I cried in my car.

I cried myself to sleep.

Then one day, someone gave me a word

For what was happening: ABUSE.

No! It’s not abuse.

The truth HURT. White knuckled denial reared up hard.

Denial was easier.

I had been living a lie.

I had survived by telling myself we were happy,

By convincing myself that he loved me,

By playing up the supposedly “good” moments,

By digging deep to find SOMETHING to be grateful for.

But one desperate night, I broke down

And I ordered a book. A different kind of book.

I read it through wracking sobs

As I recognized the patterns I had lived with

Described on those pages.

I finished it feeling broken and afraid, but also relieved,

Because I now knew I had done everything I could at that point,

Except separating…

The idea was terrifying.

After all I had done to try to fix things.

After all I had invested.

And then all the judgement surrounding the idea of possible divorce.

No one ever talked about justified divorce.

They just judged.

So zealous for God’s law,

They failed to honor the spirit of it,

And wounded the very ones they intended to “save.”

So 👏 Much 👏 Damage 👏 Done👏

Because the letter of the law is death.

It was hard to finally acknowledge the cold truth,

To recognize how bad it really was.

It was scary to face my options.

It shook my whole world to finally admit what I already knew deep down:

Love does not sound, look, or act like that.

He did not truly love me.

My marriage was a SHAM.

Then… he apologized

And I wanted to believe we were saved.

I wanted to tell the miraculous story

Of how God saved us from the brink.

So I relented. I stayed.

But that wasn’t our story.

I endured two more years

And found myself in a black pit

Of deepest depression.

Hopeless.

Nothing had changed.

That’s when I began planning my escape.

I got into counseling to get healthy

So I could separate well,

Only planning to return IF I saw long term change.

TRUE CHANGE – taking responsibility and true repentance.

I would not accept further abuse this time.

I had already held on way past my breaking point out of sheer determination.

Now I was done. Beyond done.

I began guarding my heart.

I set hard boundaries.

I grew in strength as I pulled myself out of that pit.

I had to accept that my hope was not in an outcome,

My hope was in Christ ALONE,

And no matter the outcome,

He had a redemptive answer for my life.

I came to see that Jesus valued ME more than a marriage!

I felt the deepest assurance

that if the cost of preserving the marriage was my destruction,

That He would choose ME every. single. time.

I MATTERED TO HIM.

My life, my safety, my sanity, my heart, MATTERED.

You see, God hates divorce because of what it does to PEOPLE,

And sometimes staying in a marriage is what does the most damage.

In that season of soul searching, I also learned

That forgiveness doesn’t mean no consequences

And repentance doesn’t entitle someone to reconciliation.

I came to the realization that submission is a principle applied with wisdom,

NOT a law with no exceptions,

And submission ought to be MUTUAL.

Behavior was modified

But the emotional climate remained.

Manipulation, blame shifting, and pressure.

After 12 years of trying, forgiveness and grace,

When I was finally done, he threw it all back in my face.

He said I was selfish and unforgiving. He tried to hurt me with lies

Like: I didn’t give him a chance, I didn’t even try!!!

After all I had suffered and all I had given,

It was a laughably delusional lie, just further manipulation.

The truth was…

My heart was not safe.

Trust broken beyond repair.

A million chances had passed him by.

Enough was enough.

And so I walked away.

I signed the documents to legally declare

The death of our relationship

That had occurred many years before.

I had been performing CPR on a corpse.

Maybe it was never really alive to begin with…

That was the beginning of my journey into freedom. 💗🕊

21 Day Fast & Focus

Over the weekend, I ended up live streaming the Prophetic Destiny conference out of HRock Church and they gave a challenge for a 21 day "Fast & Focus" in the middle of it. At the beginning of the year, it sounded like a good idea to fast and focus to hear what God wants to do for this year and to determine my focus. It also felt like a good reset, maybe an opportunity to implement some new habits while I'm setting aside this time.

Now, today is 1/17/17. The number one means new beginnings and the number 17, I just learned over the weekend, means VICTORY. I wrote at the end of December how I felt that my word for 2017 was victory. I freaked out when I learned the number 17 biblically represents victory! Say what?! Awesome! So back to today... 1. 17. 17. New beginnings for double portion victory? Yes! On the day I am starting this fast, I receive that! That gives me expectation for God to do some amazing things during these 21 days and this year.

And just for some accountability, this is what I've chosen.

Fasting:

• No computer/phone games
• No social media other than posting on A Praying Mama's Heart & Messenger
• No candy, cookies, or ice cream 

Focus:

• Praying Numbers 6:24-26 over each family member daily
• Contemplating strategy for this year & recalibration of relationships
• Developing our routine
• More time playing with my boys
• Investing my time: read, learn, write, dance & sing
• Reviewing & acting on my notes from the conference

The "no candy, cookies or ice cream" is my lame attempt to eat slightly healthier during this fast. I'm nursing, so I felt like fasting a meal wouldn't be a good idea, but I still felt like I needed to fast from something food-wise and I wasn't bold enough to go for "no sugar." ;)

Anyone care to join me? You can fast however God leads you, whether it's a Daniel fast, juice only fast, skip one meal a day fast, fasting specific foods, fasting from entertainment or social media, etc. Pray on what to focus on as well. Let me know if you're joining me! Comment here, message me in Messenger, email, or text/call so we can encourage one another!

Tree of Life Breastfeeding Pics (How To)

I'm a few weeks behind on this beautiful trend, but I had so much fun playing in the PicsArt app and I wanted to share my own #TreeofLife creations.

If you haven't heard how to create your own, 

1. Download the PicsArt App

2. Get the Tree of Life sticker pack and/or do a Google image search for tree images

3. Open up your breastfeeding pic to edit it

4. Sticker: Select your favorite tree sticker, then size and position it 

4. Google image: Scroll through the bottom selections and select "Add Photo"

a. Add the tree pic you want, then size and position it
b. Out of the new list of options on the bottom, select "Blend"
c. Scroll through the options to see what works with your selected picture and apply (I had the best luck with the "Overlay" and "Multiply" options)

5. Select the "Magic" button and apply your favorite effect/filter.

6. Play with the other options to add additional elements or play with the look of your pic!

Different filters looked better on different pictures.

I played with lens flares, stamps, stickers, and the hue of the pictures, too. There are so many options to explore in the app to create your own unique pic.

I also experimented with how different trees looked with the different magic effects. These two trees were my favorites. So pretty!

I love, love, love how these pictures look. They're magical and beautiful like works of art. I love the symbolism, based on our real life anatomy, that celebrates how we nurture and feed our precious little ones. And I spent way too much time playing in the app because it was so fun!

Which is how Hulk Baby happened. Way too much time. :D