This is a very popular sentiment to those in destructive relationships who have finally reached the point where they believe separation is necessary. Just stay and pray. There's only so much you can do and then you just have to endure and pray for change. "Submit." You must stay in harm's way or you're somehow dishonoring God. Or even better, you're supposed to suffer in this way. It's His will.
Um... how about no. That's both dangerous and damaging.
In no particular order, let's flesh this out.
First of all, one cannot save their spouse. No matter how nice or perfect or sweet or loving or selfless or sexy or whatever. If you're telling someone that they can save their spouse by staying and praying, you're selling them a lie. Jesus alone can save their spouse. Jesus alone can change them. We cannot by our effort bring someone else to change. Do not put that burden on anyone, that if they only had enough faith or stayed long enough they could somehow heal their spouse. Examine the logic there. That's a false gospel.
Remember, our hope is in Christ ALONE. We are not guaranteed a miracle. We are not promised a specific outcome, so proceed with boundaries and wisdom. Be safe.
Suffering for the sake of suffering is not spiritual. One can separate and still pray from a distance and give the other time to repent. Proverbs 27:12 says "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty." There's a time to stand and a time to flee, trust the one who is living in it to know when they need to flee and then help them get to safety. Trust them to hear God's voice and direction for themselves in these circumstances. Please.
Next, abuse escalates. The longer one stays, the worse it gets. This should be the most alarming point. Whether it's verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, physical abuse or all of it, over time the escalations get worse and worse. What starts out as only one form of abuse grows to include other forms. It grows in tension, intensity, and frequency. Eventually it can become deadly.
Preserving the appearance of a marriage that is not really a marriage at all is not worth the damage done to the spouse and children. It's not worth the risk to their lives and safety. Instead of being upset by boundaries (like separation), let's be upset by the destructive behavior that makes those boundaries necessary.
Now, let's think on the damage being done. Long term victims of abuse are likely to develop things like PTSD, c-PTSD, anxiety, and depression from their circumstances. They're more likely to develop autoimmune diseases and cancer due to the effects of living in constant fight or flight or freeze. A person suffers, mind, body, and soul in that environment. ALL forms of abuse leave marks, even if they're not visible. It is all serious and it can take years to recover.
And the children, what are they learning? What patterns will they repeat? Will daughters go on to accept abusive treatment as normal? Will sons grow up to be abusers? If we don't want that to happen, we have to think about what we're communicating to them if we insist the abused spouse cannot separate or divorce.
The children are also suffering under the same health effects as the abused spouse. They're living in that same high stress environment, but they understand even less what's going on and it's even harder for their precious little bodies to process it. And the likelihood of an abuser making their children targets, too, is very high.
So many say stay for the children. No! I say leave for the children. They have no choice in this. They're stuck in that toxic environment unless an adult stands up for them and protects them in all of this. They are vulnerable and impressionable and they need to know that what is happening is not okay. They need to see healthy boundaries modeled so they will learn to have healthy boundaries, too. Expecting a spouse to stay without any change is harmful for their children.
Staying is also worse for the abuser's heart and soul. Encouraging/forcing the targeted spouse to stay is enabling the abuser in their sin and allowing them to continue sinning. Jesus does not enable sin. Check yourself if you think He'd have any part in allowing abuse to continue.
Love, REAL love, meets a person's deepest need. The abuser's deepest need is to be confronted on their sin and feel the consequences of their actions, not to be enabled in it. God teaches the law of sowing and reaping in His word. So let abusers reap the destruction they have sown. Stop shielding them from consequences. Tell the Truth. Report to the authorities. Separate. Divorce. Do whatever is needed. Maybe then they'll hit rock bottom and choose to change. But if not, at least the spouse and any children are safe and no longer being continually harmed.
We are told to guard our hearts in scripture. It is not guarding our hearts to attempt to be one with someone who is destroying us by their continual and repetitive toxic choices. "Stay and pray" is not healthy nor biblical advice for destructive, abusive relationships.
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