A few days ago, I found out about Capture Your Grief happening in October. I'm 33 weeks along with my rainbow princess, due in November, and my loss also happened in November. It felt like a perfect opportunity to both remember Phoenix Bliss and prepare my heart for my rainbow.
I felt like I had pretty well processed my grief. Like I had done a good job of moving forward. And then yesterday I read a few chapters in Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited. She was writing about rejection, but her words kept bringing me back to my loss and then I recognized myself in this:
He draws you near despite the sharp evidence of your grieving heart. The anger. The deep disappointment and disillusionment. The questions of why you and why now? ... How could He let this happen? The cussing and banging your fist on the steering wheel. The shame and anguish. All of these are shards of being shattered. - pg 143
I began thinking maybe I need this Capture Your Grief thing more than I realized. Maybe my heart isn't as healed as I thought. Maybe all the anger and cussing that's been coming out over the last six months or so is actually rooted in unprocessed grief and not just pregnancy hormones or lack of self control. Maybe it's really rooted in that deep disappointment and disillusionment. In trying and failing to reconcile within my heart God's ability to change hard things and the fact that He didn't.
And that's okay. It just means I'm still on my journey of healing. And Lysa's next words speak so much hope and comfort to my heart:
God isn't afraid of your sharp edges that may seem quite risky to others. He doesn't pull back. He pulls you close. His love and grace covers your exposed grief. And step by step He leads you to a new place of victory. - pg. 143
So this morning I got up for the sunrise for Day 1 to remember and honor Phoenix and all the other angel babies. I lit a few candles and prayed. I listened to the birds sing. I kept thinking of the line in the song Forever by Kari Jobe, "Now Death where is your sting? Our Resurrected King has rendered you defeated!" and Phoenix's verse Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."
My plan for this month is to process, to remember, to heal and to prepare for the arrival of my rainbow. This is where I start.
"The Lord draws near to the one who has had her heart shattered and delivers her from exposed grief to victory." - Psalm 34:18