Thursday, October 13, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 13

What do I want the world to know about my kind of grief?

When I do things to remember Phoenix Bliss, it's not about making other people sad. It's how I share my love for my baby. It's how I keep her memory alive since she isn't here. For loss mamas, it's one of the ways we love our angels from afar. We talk about them. We honor them. We make memorials or light candles or get tattoos or raise awareness. Our angels are part of who we are, part of our story. We are forever changed by the fact that they were here for however brief a time. Yes, there are still tears that come at times, but usually, it's very matter of fact when I share about Phoenix Bliss. She was here. She's now in heaven waiting for me. And I love her. [Thank you to @honoringjensen and @mommyofsullivan for providing the inspiration for this part. You gave me a way to express what I had been feeling.]


The other thing I wanted to share about was the sense of embarrassment or shame that I battled in the back of my mind when I put out the word about my loss. Which is stupid, I know, but we all know how some people feel about early pregnancy announcements being improper or unwise. I had "broken the rules" by openly announcing our joy at five weeks on Facebook, declaring how good God was to give us this blessing, and then I lost my baby. My answer to prayer had been snatched away from me and I was now left to announce our loss, "burdening" other people with the awkwardness of witnessing our grief and loss. Of course, everyone was very gracious when I shared and no one actually said anything like that to directly to me. There was just that fear of the silent judgement.

In this last year, I have been very vocal about my loss and this is part of the reason why. I hope that someday this will not even be in the back of anyone's mind after a loss, so they can share as freely as they are comfortable without any hesitation from that kind of thinking. The pain and grief of miscarriage is not shameful and it does not need to be hidden. Is there any other loss where we try to hide what happened? So why the hush hush related to miscarriage? No matter how early, the loss is felt just as keenly. The pain is just as real. The need for support is just as tangible. I will keep speaking up in the hope that this stigma will one day disappear.

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