Capture Your Grief ~ Day 13

What do I want the world to know about my kind of grief?

When I do things to remember Phoenix Bliss, it's not about making other people sad. It's how I share my love for my baby. It's how I keep her memory alive since she isn't here. For loss mamas, it's one of the ways we love our angels from afar. We talk about them. We honor them. We make memorials or light candles or get tattoos or raise awareness. Our angels are part of who we are, part of our story. We are forever changed by the fact that they were here for however brief a time. Yes, there are still tears that come at times, but usually, it's very matter of fact when I share about Phoenix Bliss. She was here. She's now in heaven waiting for me. And I love her. [Thank you to @honoringjensen and @mommyofsullivan for providing the inspiration for this part. You gave me a way to express what I had been feeling.]

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The other thing I wanted to share about was the sense of embarrassment or shame that I battled in the back of my mind when I put out the word about my loss. Which is stupid, I know, but we all know how some people feel about early pregnancy announcements being improper or unwise. I had "broken the rules" by openly announcing our joy at five weeks on Facebook, declaring how good God was to give us this blessing, and then I lost my baby. My answer to prayer had been snatched away from me and I was now left to announce our loss, "burdening" other people with the awkwardness of witnessing our grief and loss. Of course, everyone was very gracious when I shared and no one actually said anything like that to directly to me. There was just that fear of the silent judgement.

In this last year, I have been very vocal about my loss and this is part of the reason why. I hope that someday this will not even be in the back of anyone's mind after a loss, so they can share as freely as they are comfortable without any hesitation from that kind of thinking. The pain and grief of miscarriage is not shameful and it does not need to be hidden. Is there any other loss where we try to hide what happened? So why the hush hush related to miscarriage? No matter how early, the loss is felt just as keenly. The pain is just as real. The need for support is just as tangible. I will keep speaking up in the hope that this stigma will one day disappear.

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 3

Day 3: What It Felt Like

It felt like labor but worse. The pains came without the joyful anticipation and happy hormones that make labor easier. Instead, the contractions were accompanied by gut wrenching grief. The sharp physical pains were a mere echo of the breaking in my heart. Because of course the physical pain was not the worst part, but rather knowing what the pains meant. 

My baby was gone and I was having a miscarriage.

For over an hour, I rocked on my bathroom floor crying and praying in denial, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... I repeated the words "You're gonna live and not die, says God. We speak life." over and over. After awhile, with the amount of blood I was losing, I wondered if I was really singing those words over myself. Maybe.

When we went to the ER, I got rushed in and had two IVs placed because my blood pressure was so low. I mostly felt numb laying in the ER hospital bed, except when the staff would look at me with teary eyes and tell me they were so sorry for why I was there. Eventually, my red eyed husband had to go home to take care of our boys so my sister could get to work while we waited for my mom to arrive so he could come back to my side.

While I sat alone, waiting, I reached out on Facebook and via text message, seeking prayers and letting people know what had happened. And over and over, I typed out the very worst words I've ever had to type...

We lost our baby.

It made it real. Like if I never spoke the words, maybe it wouldn't be true. If only... But no, and so I typed out repeatedly through sobs and tears the words that tasted like acid in my heart, seeking solace and relief from my friends and family. 

And so my grief journey began.

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 1

A few days ago, I found out about Capture Your Grief happening in October. I'm 33 weeks along with my rainbow princess, due in November, and my loss also happened in November. It felt like a perfect opportunity to both remember Phoenix Bliss and prepare my heart for my rainbow.

I felt like I had pretty well processed my grief. Like I had done a good job of moving forward. And then yesterday I read a few chapters in Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited. She was writing about rejection, but her words kept bringing me back to my loss and then I recognized myself in this:

He draws you near despite the sharp evidence of your grieving heart. The anger. The deep disappointment and disillusionment. The questions of why you and why now? ... How could He let this happen? The cussing and banging your fist on the steering wheel. The shame and anguish. All of these are shards of being shattered. - pg 143

I began thinking maybe I need this Capture Your Grief thing more than I realized. Maybe my heart isn't as healed as I thought. Maybe all the anger and cussing that's been coming out over the last six months or so is actually rooted in unprocessed grief and not just pregnancy hormones or lack of self control. Maybe it's really rooted in that deep disappointment and disillusionment. In trying and failing to reconcile within my heart God's ability to change hard things and the fact that He didn't. 

And that's okay. It just means I'm still on my journey of healing. And Lysa's next words speak so much hope and comfort to my heart:

God isn't afraid of your sharp edges that may seem quite risky to others. He doesn't pull back. He pulls you close. His love and grace covers your exposed grief. And step by step He leads you to a new place of victory. - pg. 143

 So this morning I got up for the sunrise for Day 1 to remember and honor Phoenix and all the other angel babies. I lit a few candles and prayed. I listened to the birds sing. I kept thinking of the line in the song Forever by Kari Jobe, "Now Death where is your sting? Our Resurrected King has rendered you defeated!" and Phoenix's verse Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."

My plan for this month is to process, to remember, to heal and to prepare for the arrival of my rainbow. This is where I start.

"The Lord draws near to the one who has had her heart shattered and delivers her from exposed grief to victory." - Psalm 34:18

The Life and Loss of Phoenix Bliss

My Phoenix Bliss went into the arms of Jesus on November 7th, 2015.

I found out I was expecting the day after labor day. It was really early, but I was too excited to keep it to myself, so we announced the very next week when I was only 5 weeks along. Finding out so early, I definitely had more concerns about having a miscarriage, but I just prayed for peace and protection and tried to tune those worries out. Each day has enough trouble of it's own, right? I didn't want to let fear steal my joy. I had been praying and believing for twin girls and I was hoping it was them.

At 10 weeks, I went in for an ultrasound. The tech found a gestational sac but no baby. She was completely positive about it and said my dates were probably off, that's all. When we got home, I looked at the calendar and checked my dates. No, I was 10 weeks. I couldn't be any less. As a doula, I know enough about pregnancy to know that by 10 weeks there should be an easily visible little peanut with a heartbeat. It didn't take long for me to end up in a sobbing mess on the floor in my prayer room, praying and declaring LIFE and God's promises. I asked a lot of people to pray with me. On Monday, when I went to my doctor, she only briefly mentioned the possibility of a miscarriage based on the ultrasound. She scheduled a follow up ultrasound to verify that the pregnancy was okay, but she was very clear that miscarriage was not something I needed to worry about at that point. I am so very grateful to them that they did not add any doubt or fear, but that they spoke words of encouragement that allowed me to cling to hope. Even though I didn't get the outcome I wanted, I'm thankful that they didn't take that hope from me.

Almost two weeks later, I had some bleeding in the evening. I prayed, my husband prayed, many others prayed, and the bleeding stopped! The next night, it started again. I didn't really tell anyone but my husband that time, partly because I didn't want to admit that it had come back after we had prayed and partly because I didn't want to acknowledge what I was thinking was simply a fear tactic of the enemy (because bleeding happens sometimes and everything is still fine).

I was up late on Friday evening and happened to listen to a podcast called "Living in Peace" by Kris Vallotton. I know that was arranged by God. I needed those words because of what was to come in the morning. I was cramping that evening, and in denial about it. I kept trying to convince myself the pain was from something else, but it was hard to sleep.

When I finally gave up on sleep around 5:30 am and got up, I was horrified at the amount of blood I was losing. No, no, no, no, no! After about an hour with no let up, spent breathing through the cramps/contractions, crying and praying, I texted my family and prayer warriors to pray and got N up to take me to the ER. In his sleep deprived state, he didn't understand the urgency and wanted me to lay down a while longer, to wait and see. I was still in denial but I felt concerned enough that I called my sister R who is a nurse. Thankfully, she answered. I could hardly choke the words out as my voice broke. It made it too real to describe to her what was happening. She agreed that I needed to go in right away. (She later told me that I probably would have had ended up arriving in an ambulance if we had waited.)

I was feeling lightheaded as we left, and by the time we got to the ER, my systolic blood pressure was only 75 (that's the higher number!) and the nurse doing triage was immediately paging the head ER nurse and wheeling me right in. I sensed the blood loss was serious and their urgency confirmed it. They put two IVs in me to push fluids in and drew blood. I protested a little because I hate needles, but eventually I had to focus on just breathing because I was ready to pass out while already lying down because of my low blood pressure. [You can laugh at me on that one. I know it's ridiculous! On the verge of passing out from blood loss, and still protesting a needle in my arm!]

They were preparing me for the possibility of a d&c (a surgery to clear out the uterus so it can clamp down and stop bleeding) and a blood transfusion. The doctors and nurses were all so sweet and kind and gentle, very empathetic. They told me over and over, "We're so happy you came in so we can get you safe, but we're so, so, so sorry for why you're here. This is so awful." The poor ER doctor told me she had experienced 4 miscarriages and apologized if she seemed to be acting strange as she gets a little PTSD in these kinds of situations. (She had no reason to apologize, she was wonderful!) Even with all the bleeding, against all hope, I in hope believed (Romans 4:18), and so they agreed to do an ultrasound to verify so that I could have peace if we needed to go forward with a d&c. Thankfully, the little placenta came out a little while after the ultrasound and the bleeding began to slow.

When the placenta came out, I asked the OB if there was a baby that I could see? Apparently, something went wrong very early in the development so that the gestational sac & placenta grew, but my baby didn't develop enough to be visible. That was a little disappointing, but I was thankful to I know I hadn't flushed my baby. I had been worried about that.

Shortly after that, N went home to take care of the boys, so L could go to work. While he was gone, I posted on Facebook for prayers, texted updates, read responses & cried. Emotionally, the hardest part was typing over and over, "we lost our baby." Those are the worst words ever. :(

I also started looking up names for our angel baby and compiled a list of maybe a dozen names. I wanted the name to express something hopeful and the idea that my baby was in paradise. Phoenix was my favorite, the idea of rising from the ashes & new birth/new life and it echoes the idea of beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3). N immediately picked it from the list when I showed it to him when he returned. All I did was hand him the list and told him I liked some of them better than others (but not specifically which ones) and his heart was just completely in tune with mine. Next, I suggested Eden or Bliss for the middle name, and again, N picked my favorite: Bliss. Phoenix Bliss. According to N's mama, it's a girl. I like that idea.

So because the bleeding slowed and my hemoglobin levels were decent, we were able to avoid the d&c as well as a transfusion, and we were very thankful for that. My mom visited me in the hospital, then she was the one that watched the boys so N could return to my side. My sister R also dropped everything to drive all the way from St. Cloud to be by my side. After we got discharged and I had rested a little, I came downstairs to find my mom & all four of my sisters in my kitchen with a huge vase of roses. They also cleaned our house and stocked our fridge with ready to bake meals. We were so blessed by their love and care, as well as all of the love and support I received from friends and family in texts and messages and comments on Facebook.

Now both of the doctors made sure to tell me that it wasn't my fault and not to blame myself. It was very sweet, but I wasn't blaming myself. I mean, sure, randomly I wondered if something happened when I got sick at the end of September, or if I ate something bad, or whatever, but those were just kind of passing thoughts that I brushed off. God doesn't speak in guilt and condemnation, so I'm not going to pay attention to that crap.

What I know is that I put all of my heart and soul into praying for LIFE for my baby these last few weeks ever since my concerning ultrasound that was behind dates. I did everything I could and had so many others praying with me, too.

I'm not angry at God either, because I know His heart was for life for my little Phoenix Bliss, and He's holding her for me close to His heart in His loving arms until I can (Isaiah 40:11). If you are wondering if life really was His will, just think, in His perfect, original plan, no one ever would have died! We would have lived forever in the paradise of Eden! So in every case, for every person, I am fully persuaded that His first choice, His perfect dream is for a long, full, beautiful life. You can always know you're praying His will when you pray for life! But, sadly, sin entered the world, and now death happens. :( And the thief is the one who comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but my Savior comes that we might have LIFE abundantly (John 10:10). So I know who I'm mad at.

Somehow or other, because of this fallen world, that dirty little sneak thief stole my baby from me, and that's NOT okay. He had no right and no authority BUT it's not defeat, because my little one was received into the arms of Jesus in paradise and vengeance belongs to the Lord. He also redeems and restores. So I will get beauty from these ashes, and joy for my mourning, and praise for this heaviness. I am praying, believing, and declaring that I will personally get back a double portion for what was stolen, twins for the one that was stolen, my joy girls for my mourning. The enemy will be sorry he messed with me, because he has only added fuel to my fire! I will have even more passion in prayer for little ones and I will get back many times over what was stolen as I see victory for other mamas in healthy little babies born against all odds, miracles not miscarriages! Yes! Miracles, not miscarriages!!! I have a word and a promise over my life that I am a supernatural midwife and I will see babies come back to life. And I will pursue seeing that word manifested with even more determined passion than before. If God is for me, who can be against me? (Romans 8:31) Besides, we already know who wins in the end. And He always leads us in victory! (2 Cor 2:14)

I also needed to reaffirm, I completely believe in the power of prayer. Absolutely. Nothing is impossible with God! (Luke 1:37) And my God is the God "who gives life to the dead, and calls those things which are not as though they were." (Romans 4:17) He said, "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." (John 16:24) So He is able, He is willing, and somehow He partners with our intercession to release or enforce what Christ already completed on the cross. [Read Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets for a fuller scriptural explanation of that!] I don't know how or why all of our prayers didn't result in a miracle baby, BUT I know that our prayers counted. They moved Heaven. And because of all that I and others poured into this, we have greater authority to pray for this for others. The power of those prayers said for Phoenix Bliss will be added on top of future prayers. So I will continue to stand steadfast, asking, seeking, knocking, knowing that He hears and He answers.

It sounds strange, but I feel like I this is not as hard as I expected. I'm crying, but it's not consuming me. I have smiled and laughed with people already. And I know that is completely God carrying me through this! I keep thinking of the story of David in 2 Samuel 12. His son is dying, so he fasts and prays for his baby. When the child dies, he gets up, cleans himself up, and goes to worship. I love that! He worships! His servants are understandably confused by his actions and he tells them “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” I relate to this in the feeling that my grief and anguish were almost worse in anticipation of losing my baby, in the uncertainty, but now that it has happened, I have peace in accepting it by God's grace. I will go to my baby, but she will not return to me. I will join her someday.

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Thank you for reading the story of my precious Phoenix Bliss and all of my rambling related thoughts! I love you all and I want you to know that I'm doing okay given the circumstances. I appreciate extra hugs and continued prayers, and don't worry if you make me cry but don't be surprised if I don't either. The tears come and go unpredictably right now. I am so grateful for all of your love, support, messages, and prayers. Reading through all of your messages of support helps me grieve. I am being carried by His Peace and held in His Comfort. Love to all!

Choices: Eating Whole Foods

I figured it was about time to get back to my choices series. I have a few more posts I wanted to write on that. Since I'm doing my Whole 30 challenge right now and eating mostly whole foods right now, I figured I should write this one next.

My view of foods and health has changed so much the last few years. This is what my journey toward healthier eating has looked like.

For years, I naively ate the standard American diet, lots of packaged and processed foods, while trying to make what I thought were healthy choices. Then I got pregnant. I tried to make a lot more healthy changes for my growing baby and felt pretty good about it. I still remember the reaction of the midwife when I described my diet to her. After all my 'healthy' changes, I was still far from eating her version of a healthy diet. I was discouraged by her strong negative reaction to some of my so-called 'healthy' choices, like WIC-approved cereals. So why am I not just eating Reese's Puffs then?!

I had no clue about what healthy eating really looked like.

Some of my friends are passionate about eating organic whole foods and over the last few years I have benefited enormously from reading many of the articles they have shared. Over time, I began reading more and more about our food system: the additives, the use of antibiotics, the use of synthetic ingredients, the use of pesticides, and GMO crops and how they're making their way into everything. I also watched documentaries on Netflix like Food, Inc.

As I have learned more, my shopping patterns have changed. I've switched to buying organic whenever possible, and I use the EWG's Dirty Dozen and Clean Fifteen lists to help prioritize my organic purchases. I try to avoid products that likely contain GMOs and I've tried to incorporate more fruits and veggies into our diets.

This Whole 30 challenge has helped me to put into practice all that I have been learning and to develop some new and much healthier habits.

I had read so much about how nutrition affects our health and now I have experienced the difference while doing the Whole 30! I haven't had an energy slump in the middle of the afternoon and I've been waking up before my alarm clock. I've been feeling really good health-wise, for which I am especially grateful after a really rough fall! I was continually ill due to my broken sleep schedule, because of my paper route, plus poor food choices. These last few weeks with proper sleep and great nutrition, I have felt fabulous! I've even felt more emotionally balanced, and the last week or so as I've loosened my rules, I've noticed a difference in my emotional fluctuations when I have more sugar. I was surprised at how obvious a difference it's been.

These changes have been hard, but worth it. There is so much healing to be found in eating food that truly nourishes your body! Any healthy change, big or small, is a step in the right direction. Start today. :)